He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
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It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
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It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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