i think my tv is drunk
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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