Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
