I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
