wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Randomize
