He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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