Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
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Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
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I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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