The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
