I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
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