I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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