So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
