So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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