my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
