Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
