I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
