Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
