I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
