He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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