Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Your tits are I can't wait for
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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