nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
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