You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
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I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
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And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize