Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
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I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
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Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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