No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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