my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
My cat gives me a boner
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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