tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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