The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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