my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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