So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
