I can text with my tongue
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Randomize
