I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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