I seem to have left my pride at pride
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
