Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
