I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
