I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
