I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
