You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
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