ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
