God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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