I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
