someone threw a dead crab at me
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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