life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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