I accidentally had phone sex last night
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Randomize
