I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
