My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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