1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
