You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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