in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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