it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
