CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Even the bartender felt bad for me
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
