naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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