Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
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He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
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I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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