Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i just sent this text using only my big toe
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
