You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
