I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
