haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
ok first of all what the fuck
I'm really busy with my period
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