I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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